The Child of Divorce

A Heart with Two Homes

2011-09-06T19:14:00.000-05:00

A Heart with Two Homes by Monica Epperson

Reviewed by Lia Constanda

The writer of “A Heart with Two Homes”, Monica Epperson is the CEO and co-founder of the organization “The child of divorce, Inc” (formerly known as “Blended Love, Inc.”) along with her husband Dr. Brian Epperson. They are both educators.

Published in 2008, “A Heart with Two Homes” generated a lot of discussion amongst professionals working with children who acknowledged the need for resources for the growing numbers of children of divorce. Responding to this Monica founded “The child of divorce, Inc”, a nonprofit making organization, which she funded from donating the royalties from her book. Helping children of divorce is the mission of the organization. “A Heart with Two Homes” is its first work that later led to forming a committee charged with writing research based curriculum for students and teachers.

The book is about a little girl called Elizabeth, whose parents divorced when she was 8 yrs old. She continued to live with mom and had regular visits with dad. In both environments she assumed a different persona. When with mom, she was a little girl, enjoyed dancing and did girly things, to please mom. When with dad, she was a little tomboy, played sports and did boyish things, to please dad. As time went on she found it difficult to define her true self. She was confused: was she Lizzie, as mom called her, or was she Beth, as dad called her.

Eventually Elizabeth discovers with the help of a school guest speaker the benefit of writing therapy and later the benefit of sharing and talking openly about her feelings to friends and family. These processes help her confront her parents about their lack of communication as far as she was concerned. The book ends on a positive note, as the parents through their actions acknowledge their mistakes thus helping Elizabeth to find her true identity as a whole person and not as the two halves of one.

The book identifies some of the problems created by parents in divorce cases, such as a child’s emotional turmoil, confusion, insecurity, isolation, lack of trust, unresolved conflict, to name but some.

The book also offers options for the children of divorce on addressing their concerns about their feelings. The idea of a private Journal, where they could confide their most inner thoughts and feelings is eminently suited to those situations. It is a well known fact that one of the merits of writing is to help clarify thoughts. As the famous French writer Gustave Flaubert once said:"The art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe." The idea of using a journal helped the little girl in this case to cope positively with change once she identified her true concerns and discovered what she really believed about herself.

Book Review by Lia Constanda, "Smart Moves"

2011-06-05T08:36:00.000-05:00

“Smart Moves: Why Learning Is Not All In Your Head”, by Carla Hannaford, Ph.D.

Reviewed by Lia Constanda

The book was originally written in 1995 by neurophysiologist and educator Carla Hannaford. The second edition was published in 2005.The book is significant to the understanding of child development and education. The writer makes it clear that learning is not all in our heads and that we need to learn to use the connections between body and mind in order to maximize learning.

The writer addresses the relationship between sensory experience, sensory learning, emotions and cognitive development. She stresses that physical movement and emotional safety from early infancy are crucial for the development of nerve cell networks, which are fundamental to the process of learning.

She explains that senses and emotions play a key part in the process of learning even before we leave the womb; that sounds and music are important even before birth; that early childhood milestones such as“crawling” are building blocks in the child’s capacity to learn, as this stimulates the 2 hemispheres of the brain, resulting in a heightened cognitive function and thus increased learning. She stresses the importance of play in the development of imagination and how in the later years this becomes the essence of creativity and high-level reasoning. The book emphasizes the importance of movement to learning and development of mental capacities. Movement and play profoundly improve not only learning but also help people to deal with stress and improve creativity and health.

Dr. Hannaford explores why and how integrative movements like Brain Gym, Tai Chi, yoga, singing, dancing, playing a musical instrument, and even rough and tumble play enhance the capacity for learning in everybody. She backs up the benefit of the Brain Gym with examples from her professional experience in that some children who sustained brain damage from childhood abuse, and, others who were either emotionally handicapped or mentally retarded were able to make remarkable progress in their academic work, due to play and movement.

Dr. Hannaford examines closely the connection between body and mind and the essential link between movement, senses and emotion for the benefit of effective learning.

She stresses the importance of teaching students in a way that goes in line with their natural body development and progression of skills. For example, she advocates postponing the emphasis on silent reading until a child’s inner voice is develops which is around the age of 7.

She identifies stressors that impact on learning such as medical reasons and technological ones. For example the overuse of TV, computers and computer games erode creativity and impair the child’s ability of developing a rich vocabulary. She also feels that digitized sources of sound from TV, computers and computer games are not helpful to the child and that benefit comes from the interaction with natural sounds and the human voice, as these expose a child to the full range of harmony.

All in all much of what she recommends is common sense. In conclusion she states that it is the activation and balance between the body and mind that allow us to become effective and productive thinkers. In other words she advocates that the body/mind interaction stimulate a healthy mind in a healthy body.

“ Mens sana in a corpore sano.”

The Day My Mother Left

2011-02-08T09:28:00.002-06:00

Reading material for children of divorced parents

“The day my mother left” by James Prosek

Reviewed by Lia Constanda

The writer has published several books for children, focusing primarily on his passion for fishing and nature. James Prosek is also a painter and the above book incorporates in the main character’s traits the writer’s major interests namely, painting, drawing and fishing. The book is ecologically instructive and awakens an interest in nature and what it can offer a child with strong emotional needs caused by his parents’ divorce.

It is a deeply felt story of young boy called Jeremy who at the age of 9 had to cope with abandonment by his mother, his father’s depression, his older sister distancing herself from the remaining family unit, lack of contact with his mother for 3 years, the discovery that mother is emotionally unstable, and the death of a much loved uncle with whom he had a strong bond.

Jeremy suffered enormously when his mother left the family for another man. He dreamt about her at night and thought about her constantly. Little things reminded him of her:”It was June, and the daffodils I’d helped my mom plant last fall were flowering. Was she planning to stay to see them flower? Songs she used to sing came into my head. I could hear her voice singing as if she were in the room with me.” The mother took with her his work, the “Book of birds”, his most treasured possession. He wandered how she could take his work and abandon him?! He threw himself into re-creating the “Book of birds”, his collection of drawings.

His emotional journey is heart wrenching. His healing is significantly aided by his love for nature, drawing and painting. The support from friends and extended family is invaluable.

The father also suffered a great deal of pain when the mother left. The father/son relationship and the damage the mother’s abandonment caused to both is another important dimension of the story.

Jeremy’s life moves on. Father has remarried. Jeremy has new interests. He is more settled. Things are calm. Then, out of the blue, after 3 years, he sees his mother at the school playing fields holding by hand a young girl. She seems not to recognize him.

Eventually, the mother contacts Jeremy by telephone. He learns that the mother lived nearby all these years and that she could have kept in touch with him if she wanted to. He remonstrates with her but she has no credible explanation for her failure to keep in contact. Later, the mother attempts suicide because she is concerned that the man for whom she left her family may be on the point of leaving her. She becomes a liability. She is diagnosed borderline personality. She turns to Jeremy and his sister for love and support. He is only 12!

In the end Jeremy is reconciled about his mother. After discovering that she is unstable, he describes his relationship with her as “standing on two distant mountains with a bottomless canyon between us…. There was no way of crossing the canyon, but at times the clouds cleared…”

The book makes lovely reading. It is a story of hope and resilience and how a boy can navigate through difficulties by remembering what is good in life. It addresses many important issues in relation to children of divorced parents and it is a useful tool for any child in similar circumstances. It is also good reading for the parents.

Book Review by Lia Constanda

2011-01-14T09:53:00.000-06:00

“It’s not the end of the world”

by Judy Blume

Reviewed by Lia Constanda

Judy Blume, the writer, has written many successful books for different age groups. Her books identify the concerns of young children and teenagers in relation to a variety of issues, such as Religion, Coming of age, Overweight, Physical disability, Siblings, Racial prejudice, Divorce, Death & Alcoholism and other related matters. She deals with these topics in a sensitive and empathetic manner. She has been commended for her honesty, warmth and wit, her keen observations of childhood and her books’ appeal to the children.

Her style is pleasant and easily readable. Some reviewers consider that the problems of her characters are sometimes left unresolved; others think that it is to her credit that some problems are left for the reader to solve.

The book “Is not the end of the world” provides light reading and is most enjoyable. It has an optimistic tone and is appropriate for any young child and teenager. At the same time deals with the range of concerns of 3 children from a family, whose parents are in process of starting a divorce.

The central character, Karen Newman, a twelve year old girl, can’t believe it when the father moves out of the family home following repeated and frequent arguments with the mother. Initially, the arguments appear to be over trivial matters. The bottom line is however that the parents no longer like each other and the only way to resolve their differences is to go their separate ways. Karen is the middle of the 3 children but she is the most mature and very quickly assumes a responsible role. She deals with the upset caused to her younger sister by the parents’ separation and with the trying teenage behavior of her older brother.

The mother returns to school to complete her education. In a way, the divorce liberates her. She learns how to stand on her own feet, trust her abilities and value herself.

The book focuses on the children’s concerns about not having both parents under the same roof, about financial issues such as will they be able to continue living in the same home with their father gone, will their mother be able to provide for them, how will the other children at school react when they will find out, and most importantly will they be able to bring their parents back together. Karen is trying to bring the parents to talk to each other face to face. She thinks of a plan which in the end does not work. The parents refuse to consider any prospect of reconciliation.

When all is said and done, the children accept the situation and move on with their life. They adapt themselves to their new circumstances and accept that their parents divorce is final but that really that “is not the end of the world”.

Blended Love Newsletter

2010-12-14T12:07:00.000-06:00

http://myemail.constantcontact.com/News-from-Blended-Love.html?soid=1103636417256&aid=lHt8SuDeDt0

Book Review by Lia Constanda

2010-11-29T13:41:00.000-06:00

Tis' the season to invest in books for children of divorce!

Book: The Day My Mother Left (yes, a divorce fiction book for young teens)

by James Prosek

His emotional journey is heart wrenching. His healing is significantly aided by his love for nature, drawing and painting. The support from friends and extended family is invaluable.

The father also suffered a great deal of pain when the mother left. The father/son relationship is strained due to the damage the mother’s abandonment caused to both of them. This reality is an important dimension to the story.

The book makes for lovely reading. It is a story of hope and resilience and how a boy can navigate through difficulties by remembering what is good in life. It addresses many important issues in relation to children of divorced parents and it is a useful tool for any child in similar circumstances. It is also good reading for the parents.

Evil in Our Midst

2010-11-08T11:43:00.000-06:00

This past week I read a book by Sharon Doty titled Evil in Our Midst. As a sexual abuse survivor I assumed I was fully equipped through experience to protect my own child from sexual predators, boy was I wrong.
Sharon points out our approach as a society addressing the prevention of sexual abuse is really not prevention at all. The current trend places a great amount of pressure on children to be responsible for the verbal and non-verbal actions to stop an abuser. But after numerous interviews with abusers and countless hours of research, she has found that educated adults can have the tools necessary to prevent children from even being given this burden.
Yes, Sharon, identifies the culture and means by which an abuser takes liberties to abuse.
Her approach to educated us, the parents and community, to recognize potential predators and recognize our part in creating an environment conducive to abuse is a light amidst a very dark and dangerous culture.
I would strongly recommend this book to anyone interested in being part of a global solution to ending sexual abuse for our children.
Thank you, Sharon, for the enlightenment.

Chili On the Square

2010-10-10T09:44:00.001-05:00

If you are in Tulsa, OK this Friday...

Speak

2010-08-26T18:27:00.001-05:00

“Women have sat indoors all these millions of years, so that by this time, the very walls are permeated by their creative force, which has, indeed so overcharged the capacity of bricks and mortar that it must needs harness itself to pens and brushes

and business and politics.”

The young, silent girl sat in her yellow walled bedroom. The ruffled valance coordinating with the dust ruffle and matching pillow shams, so beautifully dainty is her appearance. An onlooker would assume the smile on her face would reflect a perfect middle-class life where struggles and angst are a million thoughts away.

As she gazes out her window to the immediate front yard, neighborhood kids ride their bikes, and tree trimmers creating a more manicured perfection, her thoughts are far from this shallow world.

She meditates on her inner voice. Her voice that speaks loudly with passion and conviction, the words of reality, what is and can be. She no longer is tricked by her beautiful cage representing America’s middle-class family.

Her world is a lie.

What penetrates the walls? Truth penetrates all walls.

The truth is she has fought for safety since she can remember.

As she now sits on her bed, the truth is she is on her third dad, has already been molested by at least two different men, held down and forced to watch pornography and has hidden under a mattress in a crack house to protect her own life.

She is unimpressed with the American dream and the men who proclaim it.

Her heart and experiences create a resiliency that can only be found through surviving.

Each breath that she takes she dreams. She dreams of shattering her world and reconciling her experiences. She dreams of forgiveness and understanding. She dreams of peace and wrapping it to give away to her friends. She knows she is not alone. She knows she has been given a mission, a mission that can only be fulfilled through the pain she has endured.

Unconstrained passion flows through her veins. She knows she is an enigma.

Her pencil lead breaks on the pages of her journal as she fervently writes her creative perception of her life’s events and their meaning.

Unmoved by the childhood of others outside her window, she is an old soul clothed in the likeness of others, but incredibly different.

In today’s world she would be considered a global thinker, or a maverick, but in her world she is destined to speak for herself and others, fearlessly.

Millions of years of silence for being born a female have passed and it is up to us who have experienced the adversity of our female race to rise up and speak for ourselves and our little girls.

Painted walls and beautiful things cannot silence our message. We are capable of inspiring, thriving, and changing a national perception, we are women. Our beauty defined by strength, our strength defined by goodness. We are American women.

Revelation to Action

2010-08-12T16:35:00.000-05:00

"There can be no keener revelation of a society's soul than the way in which it treats its children."
Nelson Mandela

What does America value? More concrete - what do you value?
Do we recognize the human experience called, "childhood" and deem it a valuable foundation to a life well-lived or do we simply excuse it and claim we have all been naive once?
My hope is the first thought, but our times are revealing a much more dismal view of today's child.
Please, I urge you, consider stepping back and assessing the care and concern for children in our society today and the value, you, personally would place on children being equipped to handle adversity and change. Give it a dollar amount. How much is it worth?
Now, ask yourself if, you, personally have contributed toward any organization in the past year that is dedicated to helping human beings in their greatest hour of need, their childhood.
Please consider it.

This Little Light of Mine

2010-07-16T10:43:00.002-05:00

The day had been crazy. Sasha, Blended Love's Executive Director, and I had been whisked abruptly into Fox 25's interview studio for our 8:20 a.m. interview around 8:17 a.m. or so. Being out-of-towners to the area we had to rely solely on a GPS that spoke French. As he demanded who knows what the arrows were hard to figure out and that resulted in a lot of unnecessary turns on the Oklahoma City expressways. Exiting on Scott Street became a crowd favorite!
After the interview we had an appointment with Bethel Foundation in Oklahoma City. Sasha had set up the meeting because she has been involved with some of their fundraisers and believed that I would enjoy learning more about their mission of providing opportunities and tangibles to single mothers. In theory, great idea - but what I didn't expect....
I walked into this darling house with a gorgeous sign alerting moms that this could be their haven. The beautiful scriptures that were so gracefully drawn on the wall were arrows to the heart of a path that leads to peace, a common emotion we all want, a common denominator to all who enter. That peace was magnified as I turned to meet, Lynda, the humble servant who answered God's request to help His children - single moms. Her inspirational, blue eyes echoed the same peace felt all over this home, except in her eyes this feeling was strongly coupled with determination.
As she spoke of her journey, my empathetic heart began to go down her road of suffering and understanding and yet all overshadowed by HOPE. This hope has been the ingredient to all their programs. The hope is as tangible as the "birthday room," a room designed for moms to come in and pick out toys for their children on their birthday and wrap them and leave with a birthday cake. Hope...providing moms with the ability to make their child's birthday special. Hope that these same children who receive birthday wishes will in return have a better life for their own children, a life where they can provide these special birthday moments. Hope also in understanding that moms need hope not only for their children, but for themselves.
Bethel provides scholarships to driven moms looking for careers that require a degree. Lynda quickly lights up as she speaks about their poster mom who has worked tirelessly to obtain her Masters degree.
Touring this incredible facility that even housed a free store to moms who have need of food, clothing, toys, diapers, etc. strengthened my core belief that we all have a light to shine and some have figured out the One who lights the flame and are allowing their light to shine so brightly that not even the jaded world of experience can blow it out.
Lynda, may your light shine so brightly no one can deny the illuminating beauty!

Power of Photography

2010-07-11T17:15:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder what a kid is thinking? Ask them. They will usually tell you if you look like you are genuinely listening.
I have been giving my kiddo a camera since she was three years old. I learn so much about her from her photography. I learn about what she cares about, or who she cares about.
The beauty of the pictures is that if you make time she will sit down and tell you a story that goes with each one.
If you are a parent trying to connect with your child, don't give up....try a camera.

(According to Eden, a four year old at the time, this dear, sweet community of animals were having picture day. They had just experienced a move and were thankful that no one was left in a box or behind. They celebrated being a family and having each other. She claims they vowed to never forget their experience of the biggest change of their lives.)

Sisters

2010-07-08T18:12:00.002-05:00

The thunder is crashing and I am in a full sprint to my sister's room. Not because she is the oldest, she is actually seven years younger, no I am in a panic that only the stubborn, strong sister of mine can cure. As I slide under the covers I can feel her smooth legs up against mine and her arm come sliding over my back with a small tap. She never really fully woke up on these nights, but her sleepy, apathetic presence reminded me that it was just thunder, not the end of the world.

I would like to say this illustration was a one time event in my childhood, but it wasn't. Growing up in Oklahoma thunderstorms could be our state song.
As I hear the thunder now I am reminded of how grateful I am for those moments. Moments of security. Being a child of so many divorces, security has always been sacred. Having a sister provided a lot of stability.

She was there. Bad hair, awful outfits, tearful temper tantrums, you name it she saw it firsthand and loved me through it anyway.

"Our" Time, Child-Centered Divorce Month

2010-07-05T10:45:00.000-05:00

I remember when I was a kid, my dad always resurfaced on the 4th of July. He loved it.
I think somewhere in his noggin he decided that the 4th was our holiday, so most of my memories of the 4th include him.
What a wonderful gift to me. His consistency of choosing a time that was "our" time was marked with a reoccurring visual every year.
My dad has been gone now for over four years, but still as I see the exploding fireworks the sights and sounds reaffirm the consistent message my dad sent me on the 4th and I hear, "no matter how crazy my life gets, I promise not to forget you especially on our 4th."
This month is Child-Centered Divorce Month. If you are a parent struggling to find your place in your child's heart after a divorce, consider implementing an "our" time marked by an event that will be around a long time after you have passed on.
I can assure you that as a child I may not have revealed the importance of the 4th to my dad, but as an adult it brings me to tears and is a warm memory of love and affirmation.

the child of divorce

2010-06-28T16:38:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I really ponder why I care so much about children of divorce.
I have been married and enjoying a child that has two parents. I've been blessed to have the "good life" I dreamed of having when I was a little girl going through some really crazy changes.
But all it takes is one character in a movie, one child's face of hurt to look into, one daycare pick up line with a child not sure about which parent will show up; all it takes is one, the child of divorce.
My empathy commands my obedience and that obedience is listening, feeling and believing that I can do something for the one.
If I am blessed to get to an older age, my prayer is to look back and know that I used every resource I had available to help my peers and that I never forget the one; the child of divorce.

Inspired to Help

2010-06-07T16:09:00.000-05:00

When I was asked to come read my picture book to kids at Skelly Elementary two years ago, I had no idea the inspiration that would follow.
I came in as a new author elated to share my experience as a child of divorce and promote becoming a journal writer.
I concluded this year as a nonprofit CEO, professional speaker, and curriculum writer who just completed a program, Change Agent, with a team of highly professional writers.
How did this happen over a two year period?
Well, it started with one of the most determined teachers I have ever met, Mrs. Mills.
She has been teaching for years, actually she has been teaching since I was a little girl, but she hasn't lost the love of teaching...seeing kids equipped for life.
Each time she asked me back to her classroom, she kept prodding me to tell the kids more about myself, tell them about my life, where I have been and where I am trying to go. She essentially pushed for an intimate relationship with her class.
At first, I was hesitant, being a child of divorce, I completely respect guarded. The fifth graders were guarded and so was I.
But as I let my guard down, so did they, until finally we sat comfortably having a conversation about how rough life can get...even at the ripe old age of ten.
As they started to pour out some really tough hardships like: parents in jail, having to move almost every year and parents fighting to the point of calling the police...I started to ask questions.
Most important one, "What can I do to help?"
Unanimously, they all agreed, "you can get us tools to help us deal with change."
See, what they really feared was not that their lives were going to change a lot from crazy home lives. They already knew that. What they wanted was to be prepared for the next time.
I could relate, at their age I wasn't equipped either.
Ironically enough, I was married to a change specialist, he even wrote his dissertation promoting a new change model. So, I didn't have to go very far to seek a research path to acquire tools for change.
I also had amazing friends in positions to make a difference for children in the area and they had the desire to be part of a brand new nonprofit with a really innovative idea.
As the nonprofit began forming with more momentum, support began to build quickly. A licensed therapist, previous superintendent, professor, lawyer, doctor, are just a few of the titles that made up the growing board members. Even an Executive Director was on board that also had an incredible vision for the organization and technical writing skills.
The momentum began building...
The momentum is still building...
and all because a teacher dared to provoke an inspiration.
Thank you, Mrs. Mills. Blended Love will always support your students and equip them for change!

A 5-to-8-year-old child

2010-05-30T21:58:00.003-05:00

5-to-8-yr old children of divorce often think families come with mommies, daddies, doggies, kids. They wonder, "Will daddy get a new mommy? A new doggy? A new little boy?" Are people replaceable? When one parent leaves, they fear the other could leave as well. They know that mom and dad don't control the world, but that leaves them particularly vulnerable. If mom and dad can't hold it together, they wonder, "Who will take care of me?"

The result: misplaced anger, preoccupation with homelife (which makes it difficult to concentrate at school), regression, and physical manifestations of anxiety, such as bed-wetting, thumb-sucking, and hair-pulling.

Parents can help: Let them know that you're in control, that things will get back to normal soon, and mommy & daddy will still be there for them (if that is true). Children need to know that the adults in their lives are competent, caring, and prepared to keep them on track.

Children this age particularly need to see evidence: They worry about the noncustodial parent. Show the child your new apartment or home, and show the child that you are reasonably comfortable. Teach them explicitly that families come in different shapes and sizes, because they are so young that they really don't know unless you tell them.

They also need your guidance and permission to focus on being a kid. Let your child know that his job is to study, socialize, and play...and that the adults will take care of things at home, so they don't have to worry about it. With your permission, your child will happily focus on being a kid.

Sources: (1) Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way by M. Gary Neuman and Patricia Romanowski; (2) What About the Kids?: Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce by Judith S. Wallerstein; (3) Developmental Psychology (with InfoTrac) : Childhood and Adolescence, by David R. Shaffer.

Statements that put Kids in the Middle

2010-03-31T11:16:00.000-05:00

These are recorded responses from parents....not realizing they are putting kids in the middle of their bitterness.

"You want to go on vacation with your father, after all he's done to us? Fine. Leave me here alone."
"I know how boring it can be at your mother's. Now that you're here, let's have some fun."
"Ask your father when he's sending the check. Tell him he's not going to see you till he does."
"If you want me to come to your recital, better not invite your mother. If she goes, I don't."
"Your father let you see that movie? What's that man thinking?"
"Let's talk to your mom about your spending more time with me. That's what you want, too, isn't it?

These were taken from American Girl: a smart girl's guide to her parents' divorce

Broken Chocolate Hearts

2010-02-02T16:17:00.000-06:00

Traditionally when we think of Valentine’s Day, we visualize love all around – especially in our schools. Can we ever forget all the boxes we decorated to hold our special treasures and kind words from our peers?

Several years after my parents divorced, a boy sweetly put chocolate hearts in my chair when I was in elementary school. Being oblivious to the gift, I sat down and broke every single one of them. I stood stunned. I stared at the perfect illustration of my sad heart, so frail and broken.

My parents divorced, my chocolate hearts broken.

I held back the tears that day not wanting my classmates to laugh at my over-reaction to such an insignificant event.

Quietly, broken piece by broken piece, I scooped them up in my hand and put them in my lunchbox hoping no one dare ask me what had happened to my hearts.

Mrs. Hayes, my fourth grade teacher, seemed to know that I needed a hug as she gave me a big squeeze as I trailed behind all of my friends out to the playground for recess. That small gesture was a bright spot in my broken-heart day.

Oklahoma divorce rates rank fourth-highest in the nation. As Tulsa County divorce rates are seen near the top of Oklahoma divorce rates, we know that broken hearts live among us. Classrooms are filled with teachers trying to manage and care for children who feel unorganized, unlovable and disillusioned.

Let’s remember to send special Valentine messages to our children’s teachers this year. Teachers are the heroes who bring love to children by taking a blended classroom and creating blended love.

Let’s also push for curriculum in our schools to help all of these broken hearts to mend. Teachers need support as they help patch together children who are hurting, angry and heart-broken. Organizing a child who lives in two places can be an incredible challenge, not to mention the attention to details that can be missed. Our teachers need tools to equip them to handle schedules, behaviors and risk-factors.

Teachers are the hug that starts the day and the consistency that keeps a child feeling secure through predictability. Lesson plans have merged with life lessons, and our teachers continue to step up to the challenge.

Thank you, Mrs. Hayes. Your dedication to making your students feel loved has left this adult child of divorce with a heart message that reads, “I am lovable and capable.”

Where is daddy?

2010-01-26T21:43:00.002-06:00

"My daddy went to Oakland," wailed six-year-old Roger. "Where is Oakland?" he asked me, not knowing it was close by. "Is Oakland in Mexico?" Since at age six or seven children have no concept of geography, space, and distance, their thinking is bounded by the neighborhood they know. But their sorrow has no bounds.

Excerpt from What About The Kids? by Judith Wallerstein.

Underwater

2010-01-19T12:41:00.000-06:00

Poem written by a young girl of divorce and abuse.
Children of divorce are 50% more likely to be abused than children with two parent homes.

Underwater

darkness falls again tonight
the wakes come crashing down
does anyone know my world in this town

i long to see the sunlight
the calmness I pray to see
all I ever wanted was to believe

talking underwater
drowning to get it out
my whispers, my muted shouts

i rise above the white-caps
trying to get to the other side
i am talking underwater

holding on to the seas hard rock
beating me black and blue
does anyone know what i am going through

i wait and ride the storm
the stillness smooth as glass
damages, miles of floating trash

i'll let go, but never forget
the deep, cold water far below
my whispers, muted shouts

talking underwater

I Can't Share...

2009-12-30T17:02:00.003-06:00

When I was asked to contribute to the The Child of Divorce blog, I began to worry. I began to worry about my parents, about sharing too much. I worried about how exposing my vulnerability will be seen, by some, as exposing weakness. The child of divorce I once was even worried that I would be seen as unfit, unworthy, to become Mrs. America, because of the conflict I witnessed and the pain I had been through as a teen. I realized that the children of divorce we strive to help can relate to that too. They worry about being labeled. Being lovable. Being normal. One ex-boyfriend's mom once said to me, "Sasha, you are just the picture of resiliency!" I realized that sharing, and soon following that sharing with real techniques on how to cope in a healthy way and feel better, was the best thing I could do for these kids.

I'll include my mom in the process too. I want to be certain to honor my parents, while being honest about what the divorce was like for me, and what it was like for my two younger sisters. I have no idea what it is like to be a divorcing parent. I can only speak about my experiences as a child of divorce. I called my sister Jade this morning and she had one experience that stood out to her. It was Easter Sunday. I'll share it with you too.

I hope my contribution will give others the courage to speak.

Invitation

2009-12-28T16:06:00.000-06:00

I have invited some of my adult friends that were once children of divorce to help me blog on this site.
My hope is that through our stories and experiences we will be able to speak up for those children who are living it now.
We can bring a sense of camaraderie with each other that only those of us who have experienced it can relate.
Thank you, friends, in advance, for sharing your stories with all of us!

Insecurity

2009-12-10T11:12:00.000-06:00

"Last time my parents fought, they were fighting about who would spend the weekend at home with me. Neither one of them wanted to! That's when I felt insecure," said Kelly, a fifteen-year-old boy from New York. During a fight between parents, kids occasionally feel insecure, almost always because they worry about what will happen to them (which they shouldn't worry about anyway). Cindy, a nine-year-old girl, said, "When they fight, I feel like they're forgetting all about me. What if they both just left?"

An excerpt from "The Kids' Book of Divorce, By, For & About Kids"

Where is the turkey?

2009-11-29T11:03:00.000-06:00

"This was my dad's first year to make the dinner without mom. We had some leftover ham from my grandma's house and some potato chips. I got as many cokes as I wanted. I really wanted my mom and a good meal, but this is what divorce looks like I guess." Tamara, 15 years old

Yesterday's Child

2009-10-26T10:54:00.000-05:00

My name is Michael. Yesterday I was part of a family of four, but today there goes my dad.

There goes my dad. There goes his big TV. There goes his laugh. There goes his car that took me to basketball practice every Tuesday night. There goes our computer. There goes the after work hugs that I stood by the door and waited for when he came home from work. There goes our sofa. There goes his grill that made steaks every Friday night. There goes my dad.

I got my dad when I turned five years old. He met my mom at a baseball game. They fell in love and got married. When I turned seven I got a sister. She made our family a family of four.

Every Sunday after church we went to Nanny and Nana’s house to eat Sunday dinner. I’m still not sure why they call it Sunday dinner when it is really lunch, but I enjoyed it whatever it was called.

Nanny and Nana are my dad’s mom and grandma. They both lost their husbands early so they live together and my sister and I sometimes spend the night over there. They both cook and read us books. Sophie and I love their old house. It has heat that comes up from the floor, and in the winter we stand really close and warm up our cold toes. The smell of hot soup fills the house and hot chocolate comes right after lunch.

Now that my mom and dad are getting a divorce, will I still go to Nanny and Nana’s house?

Will we still go to church with them? What about my cousins in Iowa? Will I see them again?

Will my dad stop loving me? My heart is beating so fast. I don’t want to lose my family. I want to yell really loud, but he can’t hear me. He has already driven away from our house. I can’t see his blue car anymore. I can’t see my dad.

Will we still live here? Will my sister still live here? Will my mom leave too?

My mom sees me crying at our front door watching him drive away. I don’t want her to feel like she is not enough, but what if she isn’t?

Her hug feels good. I know she loves me. She can do this. I know she is tough. We still have her family. They love me and they can’t say that I am not family anymore.

My aunt pulls into the driveway. All of her kids are with her. I have never been so excited to see my cousin, Cole. He hits my left arm and I hit him back. It feels good.

The next few months my mom’s family keeps stopping by our house at least once a week.

We started going to another church, and I met some really cool new friends. My mom and my aunt started spending a lot of time together which meant I got to hang out with Cole. We are only a few years apart, so we are a lot alike.

I am still at the same school, so I got to keep my real friends.

I quit basketball. My dad used to be my coach. It hurt too much to play without him. My mom didn’t want me to quit, but I think she understood why.

It was a year ago today that my dad drove away, so my Papa stopped by to see me.

Papa and I throw the ball around outside in the front yard. He thinks I have a good arm and should go out for football next year. If we keep practicing on Sundays, I might just do that.

My mom is standing at the front door holding the phone.

“Michael.” My mom sounds sad.

“What is it mom?” I yell from the front yard, now walking toward her.

“Nanny died this morning,” my mom tries to give me a hug.

I run to my room crying. I haven’t seen her in over a year. Sophie still got to see her after the divorce, but I didn’t. I am so angry and sad all at the same time.

The next few days are really weird. My dad remarried right after he left, and his new wife is going to have a baby soon.

My mom and I sit on the back row. The funeral is at our old church.

I can see my dad and his new wife sitting with my sister on the front row. The casket is in front of them. His face looks longer than I remember. My sister sits on his lap. I am jealous. I wish I could just run up there and sit on his lap and get a big hug. I wish I was still his son. I wish he still loved me.

Our old church looks the same. Nothing has really changed. I wonder if anyone notices how much I have changed. My hair is longer and I have grown a lot, and I am not the same on the inside either.

My mom whispers to me that she has a surprise for me when we leave. I can’t wait.

As soon as they sing the last song, we leave. My sister stays with her dad.

She took me to her friend Tim’s house. He knows a guy that works at the Talon’s indoor football stadium. I got to go to a real indoor football stadium and throw the football to Tim. I run to catch the pass. We play ball all afternoon.

Mom brings us both some water and a sandwich. Tim likes PB & J just like me.

I like Tim, but he isn’t my dad. He is my friend.

As we drive away from the stadium, I look at my mom.

“You’re doing a good job, Mom.”

Yesterday feels like a long time ago.

Lovable & Capable

2009-09-30T10:49:00.000-05:00

I have written a lot of grants in attempts to get funding for schools to have books and resources for children who have gone through a family change or divorcing parents. With each grant I quote statistics, sustainability, qualifiers, etc. Tedious details that were once a research project. Important, but not the full story.
Now, I write grants with Kiara and Marcus and their classmates that are so kind to reveal their stories to me. I write with a passion of understanding that, like me, they are growing up with a sense of robbery, a sense of confusion. They are trying to make sense of their world, their lives and their talents.
I write knowing that I am their voice. I am the adult in their life that has the means and heart to make a difference by believing them and listening to them. I am the adult that symbolizes hope of rising above the hurt and fear and becoming a person of character.
I love my adopted class. I love their vulnerable honesty. They are not afraid to say that it hurts when we lose respect, friendship or camaraderie with the adults in our lives. They are fearless in their writing...not afraid of what emotion they may provoke.
We close every class with these words, "I vow to always remember that I am lovable and capable. I vow to find my talent and never throw it away!"
As we chant our mantra, the little girl in me that is now a woman living her dream chants secretly, "me, too."

"The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the best intention."

2nd Annual Chili On the Square

2009-09-06T11:13:00.000-05:00

Come have a good time and support Blended Love, a nonprofit bringing resources to teachers and students dealing with the increase in our divorce rates and ever changing families!

Can I stay?

2009-08-12T09:28:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wanted to stay longer when you were enjoying staying with someone you loved?
Sean, a once ten year old boy, wants us to know that he felt that way every time he left his dad.
His dad lived in Colorado and his mom lived in Oklahoma, so his visits were for more than a week and usually during his school time off.
He said his bond with dad is so strong and that they played football and video games and talked a lot.
One of his last visits, all he could think about was the last day, so he sabotaged his whole visit. He acted terribly. Refused to play football and only did video games alone. On the last day, he whispered to his dad, "Can I stay?"
He knew the answer. The answer is why he refused to be himself.
"You'll always say no because you don't want me!"
Unfortunately Sean's dad didn't understand that Sean's anger came from hurt. He was housing pain of loving his dad so much and staying separated.
His dad penalized him by not inviting him back for almost a year.
This event destroyed what was once a healthy relationship and led Sean to finding acceptance with a rough crowd at school. A crowd he could control with his anger.
I would like to report that Sean has changed and the relationship has been mended, but I cannot.
I can only report that Sean is finishing his last week in rehab as a Jr. High student and may be out in time to still attend his alternative school.

An Invitation to Hope

2009-07-07T14:05:00.000-05:00

My heart was racing, my mind creating every kind of bad scenario for me and my friend, Rachel. The house we were in was incredibly dirty and the smell of sweat and alcohol filled the heavy air. In the back bedroom I found an old, tattered mattress on the floor. At seven, I was the leader, pulling my friend under the mattress with me and grabbing her hand.

I prayed for us. She prayed for us. We squeezed each other tight and prayed we would not be found by any of the men doing drugs that night in what later became known as the “crack house.”

Hopeless? No.

“So the helpless has hope, And unrighteousness must shut its mouth.” Job 5:16

I have no memory or conclusion to what happened to Rachel and I that night, but I do have many memories of what would follow --peace and a hand much bigger than the adults around me floundering about trying to make their own way.

He did not have a name to me, but His invitation included mine. His hand was that of a hearty, working man yet soft and warm. As I curled up with Him in my heart, I knew I was safe. Guarded from what was happening around me, guarded from the uncertainty and confusion that my world had always been to me.

Teachers Caught in the Middle

2009-06-07T07:22:00.001-05:00

Something that was brought to my attention the other day was another one of the many struggles teachers are having with students from two homes.
Situation:
John brings spirit t-shirt money to his fifth grade teacher on Monday from his Mom's house in hopes of her receiving the t-shirt for him to wear on Fridays, which is spirit day most weeks.
The teacher passes out the prepaid t-shirts out on a Wednesday which means that the t-shirt Mom just paid for went home with John to Dad's house because it is a Wednesday and Dad has him.
Friday rolls around and Mom is incredibly angry because she doesn't have John's t-shirt that she paid for and John is angry because he will be the only one in his class that isn't wearing his spirit t-shirt.
Now, Mom shoots the teacher a hateful email expressing that she didn't receive what she had paid for and that it is her fault. Dad also shoots the teacher a hateful email because he feels like he was never asked about ordering a spirit t-shirt.

Who should be at fault for this?

Parents say the teacher.
Communities say the parents.
Schools stay neutral and try to accommodate on top of the huge laundry list of mandates handed down to them.

I say...regardless of blame...you still have to recognize and address the fact that this child has just missed out on having his t-shirt and enjoying spirit day like the rest of his class.

Narrow Shoulders

2009-05-20T08:53:00.000-05:00

I have recently learned that I have narrow shoulders with the weight of the effects of divorce on all the children I have met over the last year and half.
"My daddy said that he didn't want to pay for us anymore, so he threw my mom down some stairs and the cops took him away...we don't see him...I think it was my sister's fault because she wouldn't go to sleep when she was suppose to." Tulsa, 1st Grader
"When my momma gets three thousand dollars she is gonna ask for me back because my Grandma said she needs money." Tulsa, 1st Grader
"I've been in three foster homes..." Tulsa, 1st Grader
The quotes could go on and on....the tears could roll on for these children that are part of our world.
My shoulders are becoming increasingly more narrow and as I share this reality I am finding more shoulders standing alongside me keeping them strong.
Blended Love Board Members are standing side by side, shoulder to shoulder, saying..."we will be your voice."
Thank you.

The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the best intentions!

Visit to Skelly Elementary

2009-05-08T11:13:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, Sandra and I had the privilege of handing out over 230 books to kids at Skelly Elementary School at 31st and Memorial. We taught four sessions of "Empowered Journaling" with the students and NY Life donated 240 journals/pencils.

I heard children saying that they had never received a book of their own and had no books at home. I saw first graders holding their book like it was a teddy bear.

We were also able to donate the other resources to the library, putting in our first Library Resources for the Child of Divorce.

The time spent at the school was amazing. Our reception from the staff and principal made us want to adopt them.

I cannot tell you how blessed I feel knowing our organization is providing resources to children who need them and want them.

Powerful Words

2009-05-05T23:33:00.000-05:00

lack of trust

neglected

forgotten

deserted

guilt

different

confused

complicated

divided

torn

Did You Know?

2009-04-20T10:30:00.000-05:00

..."children from divorce suffer from more depression, anxiety, low self-esteem. They experience higher rates of suicide, feelings of rejection, drug and alcohol abuse, delinquency and criminality and diminished learning capacity leading to more school failure. They have poor interpersonal relationships, are increasingly the victims of abuse and neglect, and are two times as likely to divorce than children from intact families."

Source: The Heritage Foundation / The Effects of Divorce on America

LOVE

2009-04-09T20:22:00.000-05:00

Love is such a powerful word yet it has so many meanings.
Some of us use it to get someone we care about off the phone.
Others are fearful of it, so they go out of their way not to use the word.
Yet we are all drawn to a desire to hear it and see it in our lives.
We see it when someone is patient with us as we grow and learn in life.
We feel it when someone forgives something we said without thinking or acted harshly.
We know it by the mourners who sit by our side through a loss.
We observe it when we see a mom tenderly nurturing her child in a public place.
We realize it when it is aimed at us with an unconditional pact of friendship.
Love is all around.
Love does not discriminate, it can be received by anyone willing to give it away.

What does divorce look like?

2009-03-18T16:26:00.000-05:00

I knew a little girl who was so cute and bubbly that complete strangers would come up to her and ask her questions just to get to know her. She brightened a room with her love of life and her positive spirit. Her flame was bright.
At three, after her parents had divorced, she was forced to stay with a family member and had to endure an uncle touching her inappropriately and causing her to feel feelings she was not ready to feel yet. Her flame began to dim.
By seven, she was hiding under a bed for protection in a crack house praying to God to save her from the chaos. He did, but her flame still dimmed.
Now at eight, her confidence is shattered as she has been violently forced to watch pornography and abused by a man she trusted. Her childhood spirit taken from her, the flame growing dimmer still yet.
She is a fighter, but her flame continues to grow dimmer and dimmer.
Her new step dad promises to ease the pain for this little girl, but he is drawn to the small flame that still flickers and creates even more grief with his inappropriate love for her.
Her flame almost goes out, but her Father intervenes.
The intercession of Jesus erases her guilt, anger, and betrayal and replaces it with love, security, and forgiveness.
She is not an exception to the rule of divorce.
Children are at risk. Please keep them safe.

Say What You Need To Say

2009-02-27T09:05:00.000-06:00

Stolen from John Mayer, I am confronted again with the meaning of this song.
Usually saying what you need to say starts with, "thank you."
One of those close friends you have growing up is dealing with her incredible mom struggling with cancer. This family was so kind and accepting, taking me to the lake with them and inviting me to be a part of their family time. They are a treasured gift from my childhood.
Every time I buy an extra toothbrush for my daughter's friends to feel welcome to stay or I pick up "kid" food, I know it is because Carol showed me this example. I loved the way her kids said, "mom." And I remember thinking that when I got older I wanted my children to say it as endearing.
Thank you.
My step dad is also struggling with cancer and trying to make it to his birthday in July, the big sixty. He never had children biologically, so me and my sister began his parenting career.
My thank you for him begins with a phone call I got when my daughter was just six or seven months old. My real dad was facing throat cancer and needed to get a feeding tube to undergo the treatments. He had never really had any kind of surgery so he was nervous just to enter a hospital. I called my mom and Tom and told them what was going on and how scared and helpless I felt. Tom immediately decided he was going to drive Eden, my daughter, and I all the way to Orlando, Florida (twenty-four hour drive) to be there for my dad's surgery. He did.
Ironically enough, Tom merged my two families and gave me one of the best memories of seeing both my families around a dinner table laughing and enjoying each other. What a gift.
Saying what you need to say, usually begins with thank you.

My Friend

2009-02-23T17:03:00.000-06:00

I have had the privilege of visiting a lot of elementary schools in the Tulsa area. Each time I am amazed at the experiences that our children have faced and how time can be the only gap.
For instance, I met a sweet, shy, second grade boy. His naturally highlighted hair, blue eyes and smile could seriously melt your heart. Teachers shared the frustrations that were associated with him. None of them he could help, not one. He was a true victim.
Born a meth baby, he was very slow in understanding. Pushed down to the floor by officers in the middle of a bust that took his mom and live in boyfriend to jail, he had some anxiety issues. Raised by a grandparent because his biological dad rejected him, he dealt with abandonment issues.
He looked at the floor when I talked with him until I told him I had met some "shady" characters when I was about his age. His face was priceless, his smile will never be forgotten. For about five minutes he looked at me like I knew him, really knew him, and all because I wasn't afraid to look back at my own rugged past to sit eye-level with a peer. Sure, he was born a few decades after me, but we would have been friends then, so why not now.

Library Resources for the Child of Divorce

2009-02-11T09:09:00.000-06:00

As a public school teacher, I saw firsthand the limited resources teachers have for their students who are going through a divorce. After searching many libraries that did not have these books marked and seeing the limited experiences the characters had in the books, I decided to write my own.
Now, almost a decade later, I am founder of a nonprofit with a mission to supply at least 10 books per elementary in the Tulsa area with a section labeled, "divorce/fiction." This will make it easier for the teachers to find books and easier for the students who need them.
Last week I was reminded of the importance of this mission when I heard a close eight year old friend of mine stating he had never read a book with someone like him in it.
Please help our organization donate these books and make a difference in the lives of children who are needing the support and encouragement.
You can donate to this mission on http://www.blendedlove.org, we are a 501c3 so it will be a tax deductible donation. Thank you.

True Story

2009-02-06T18:08:00.000-06:00

I watched on the sideline as a child's life unfolded and ended as I viewed.
His story begins as a six or seven year old, hyper and misunderstood as he dealt with the emotions of losing his home and his dad to an affair. Next, came a working mother and having to be added to an after school program where he got molested by another boy in the bathroom. He began to have terrible nightmares, had to sleep with the lights on and his mother became his only source of refuge. Around nine, his mother, stressed to the max, dies of a brain aneurysm. I watched him lay on the floor pretending to be asleep because it was more than he could handle. His world, again, shattered. He now is forced to live with Dad and have another kind of life. New town, new life, new friends...nothing familiar.
I lost touch with him for awhile, but heard he tried to make the most of it.
The end came abruptly as I attended his funeral. His beautiful, blue eyes and stunning appearance, only now in pictures flashing on the screen. His life had become more than he could handle, so he ended it.
His story is another reason I stay in the fight to be the voice of children like him. Children who cannot speak for themselves, but need a voice.

Second Chances

2009-02-02T16:42:00.000-06:00

Have you ever been given a second chance? Then you know what comes after a second chance...an immense amount of gratitude.
Second chances can come as a war-torn relationship restored, two paddles circulating electricity through your chest, your home becoming affordable again, a friend forgiving you when you messed up royally, or even the email stuck in your Outlook that would have destroyed your career.
We all get them, we all give them. They are the love that circles the world, the events that bring us to happy tears and cause us to reciprocate.
Second chances are the glue that keep human hearts connected. They are a beautiful gift.
I have been given a lot of second chances in my lifetime...thank you. Tears trickle down my cheek as I see clearly the love that surrounds me.

the two foot difference

2009-01-28T15:05:00.000-06:00

As I am walking on my treadmill today, I noticed that if I moved it just two feet up I would be able to see out the window. So, I did.
For, no joke, the last three months I have been staring at drywall when I could have been gazing across the Arkansas River and the beautiful country side that graces it's edges.
I walked in amazement of the gorgeous view wondering what else I have been missing out of habit.
Being the philosopher at heart, I pondered perceptions, views and relationships.
What has been with me all along that I have missed because I have not made an attempt to look?
My new 2009 resolution is this: I resolve to let go of my perceptions and view the world with fresh, new eyes and find the beautiful views that have been available all along.

Home vs. House

2009-01-27T14:35:00.000-06:00

Our house is covered in ice right now. No one is going out and no one is coming in, so our family is all we've had for the last twenty four hours and all we will have for the next twenty four hours.
We are all at home. Not because we spent a year building it and all the colors and granite are all that we visualized they would be, but because we are home with each other.
All three of us have our own interest, enjoy our own books and somehow manage to make it downstairs to the kitchen island at the same time to eat.
Our weaving into each other is part of our "home" culture.
All three of us are first born children, pretty stubborn and independent, yet at some point we manage to have the same needs around the same time and come together beautifully to meet them together.
At times I grew up in a few different houses, but always recognized the ones that were homes.
There is no place like home!

Quality vs. Quantity

2009-01-22T09:14:00.000-06:00

As I have been preparing for our board meeting tonight I am reminded of the strength of my passion, and am thankful.
Last night, I was surrounded by people around late sixty to seventy plus. I paid attention to what was being said, what they verbalized as cares and concerns and what made them smile. All of them, no exceptions, seemed comfortable with their lifestyle and choices on the outside. But I couldn't help but wonder what they really thought. Did age bring a mastering of masks? Or did they get to live out what they believed and felt passionate about?
My heart sank to think of "running out of time" and wondered if they felt that way. Should I feel this way? I have lost so many young people in my life that being young doesn't mean longevity.
I couldn't help but recall the old saying, "quality verses quantity" and the importance of the quality of each day.
I am thankful for the quality of my life. Thankful for the balance of relationships and desire to change the world.
I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I have this moment and this passion and I am alive to enjoy it!

Dear Mom & Dad Letter

2009-01-20T10:59:00.000-06:00

I know that you are hurting. I am hurting, too.
I feel and feed off your tension, fear and shock. Although I am young and cannot express verbally what is happening in our lives, I am still feeling the impact. My heart is broken every time I have to give up a parent. My sense of security is lost.
Please don't assume I am resilient. Please don't assume that my life will be exactly as it was and that I will continue to feel the same love from both of you. I am a human being just like you. My needs are just like yours. I need love, attention, nurturing, stability, consistency, affection, understanding, patience, and mostly to be wanted.
When you fight over me or put me in the middle of your argument you are sending me the message that winning with each other is more important than my life. I am learning from you that it is better to be right than to be loved. You are teaching me that I came from a person who is unlovable and wrong and that I am somehow wrong, too.
When you confide your hurt in my heart you are storing up adult pain and robbing me of my childhood. You are taking away my belief that love is unconditional and replacing it with a message that tells me to become hard and not to love because I will get hurt and not be able to recover. You may not understand this today and I am so small you are not thinking about my future, but you are putting me at a greater risk of getting a divorce myself.
At times you are risking my safety to fill a void in your heart. My safety is your job.
Without you and your protection I am unshielded from the world. This will manifest in irrational fears for me because I will stay in a state of fight or flight for most of my life.
Someday this initial shock will wear off, but how you choose to parent me through this crisis will never wear off. I will either feel your sense of selflessness, support, protection or I will have a scar on my heart with a message that reads, "Good things happen to good people...I must be bad."
Thoughtfully,
the child of divorce

What do you care about?

2009-01-19T12:31:00.000-06:00

One of the saddest statements I have heard from friends is, "I really don't care about anything."
Have we really gotten that hardened as a society that people could coast through and not care about anything?
I have a theory, of course it is not a trained or researched theory, but could be true nonetheless.
I believe that some of the most sensitive, empathetic people on earth have chosen to "check out" because it was too painful to care about something.
After many disappointments and heart breaks they just decided it was easier to be numb.
If you are one of those people, and I pray you are not, my challenge to you would be to purposefully care and engage in your environment.
Life is simply to short not to care.
What do you really care about?

Train up a child

2009-01-18T16:08:00.000-06:00

As I was getting my six, almost seven year old ready for the day this morning, it became obvious I am not equipped to "train up a child."
I am the mom who has the kleenex ready before the nose even runs, the water bottle squeezed on the sideline and the coat in the car "just in case." Some of these traits are a good thing, but some of them are because I have no clue how to teach independence.
I was a latchkey kid who survived. I had no formal training. I am not sure I even remember how I learned to run my own bath, tie my shoes or feed myself. I just learned. My needs developed my skill set.
But now, as a mom I find myself lost in this area. I am actually having to read books on teaching independence because the way I learned is not a nurturing option for my child.
Such a conflicting thing, to be incredibly proud of my resourceful ways, yet have no way of teaching them naturally.

Even Pretty Girls Experience Divorce

2009-01-16T09:43:00.000-06:00

As I was thumbing through some research, I was reminded of a little girl that brought me to tears some months ago.
I was reading my book, A Heart with Two Homes, to fifth graders at a Tulsa Public School when I felt a tug at my pants. I looked down to be greeted by a student gazing at me as if she was shocked. She said, "I didn't think pretty people had to go through divorce."
Of course being a bit emotional, I asked if she truly believed what she looked like caused her parents divorce. With all sincerity I could see that she had convinced herself that if she had been prettier she could have prevented her daddy from moving out.
It is one thing to research some of these beliefs in books, they are stats, but quite another to look into the broken heart that wears that scar.

An assignment for you....

2009-01-15T15:19:00.000-06:00

Divorce brings out a lot of emotions. Choose a few words that you would say define your experience..

broken promises
irrational fears

How long is he going to be gone?

2009-01-14T10:21:00.000-06:00

Last night my daughter and I had dinner with a friend of hers that is just a couple of years older... cute, little guy. As we were driving to the restaurant they were talking about her dad being out of town and that she missed him so much that it hurt inside. This sweet boy said, "I know what you mean, how long is he going to be gone?"
She sadly responded, "I think two whole days."
He said, "really, I have to leave my dad for two weeks...you are really lucky."
I could not help but to blurt out, "blessed, not lucky, just blessed."
We talked more about how I grew up like him with divorced parents and had to feel that sadness inside, too.
As he felt a sense of camaraderie, he opened up about how much fighting he has witnessed over the years. Also, how he has a dog at each house and he misses them, too.
I fought back my own sense of empathy for this child and kept a dry eye until later that night.
As my head hit the pillow, I felt a sense of purpose and a commitment to teaching my daughter gratitude for her life with two parents with one home.
I do not have the time to befriend every peer out there, but I have a peer group who needs a voice, so I keep telling their stories.
Thanks for listening.

Stinky Thinking

2009-01-13T09:29:00.000-06:00

I am a big fan of taking your thoughts captive. I think sometimes our thoughts are worse than the reality of our lives. The power of perception can dictate how we respond in life to our own definition of what our life should look like.
Last night, with some help from my emotional "Sherpa", I came to the realization that I allow everyone else to plan my spare time and I go with the strongest force. What a shame.
When I was younger I used to keep a really tight schedule of accomplishment to avoid having too much spare time. I guess I was brighter at 16 than I am now.
So, I have vowed to change the bad habit of believing my opinion of my recreation should be completely discounted and that I am not worth planning a bit more of my life.
Am I the only one? Have you ever felt like the empty spaces on your calendar are filled by the strongest forces in your life?

Love, Loss and Restoration

2009-01-12T13:25:00.000-06:00

As I stood in the doorway of my five year old daughter's bedroom, wiping tears with the side of my sleeve, I watched her pounding, red face throw everything off her bed across the room. No words, just anger. She stood alone in her grief.
Her world had just been turned upside down.
She had helplessly watched her daddy move out.
Our pride, selfishness, lack of communication, mistrust, and anger towards one another meant nothing to her.
All she knew was her life was being dismantled.
A beautiful life filled with love and affection from her parents, grandparents, relatives, friends, classmates and neighbors.
She enjoyed the security of a daddy who went to work each day and a mommy who stayed home to nurture and train her.
In her world, she was center, a prized possession, prayed for, desired, and most importantly...loved.
What now?
Unfortunately, I could answer that question.
I lived it at one, three, seven, nine, twelve, and sixteen...with each divorce, a different life.
I knew her life would radically change.
Memories of my first experience with divorce flooded my mind. I found myself a broken thirty-three year old woman sobbing as the three year old that cried for her daddy to come home.
I stared at my cell phone seeing his number by this time crying hysterically because he had just died a few months prior and I needed him now more than I ever had as a child. I wanted to tell him that my heart was being ripped out and that I could not stop the pain. I wanted his gentle voice to calm my chaos.
Memories of his little, green truck pulling out of my mom's driveway knowing he would not be coming back for at least two weeks felt like a death each time.
I stood alone in my driveway with a broken heart.
The similarities of my life and my daughter's new life were more than I could bear. She was also left with a broken heart.
That night I was brought to my knees going to the only source of peace I had ever known, my Creator. As I cried and asked a million questions I felt His compassion and love fill the room. He reminded me that He fixes broken hearts. I prayed that He would mend my broken heart and allow me to love unconditionally as I had been made.
In the morning, I awoke to a restored heart. My broken heart and defenses that kept intimacy at such a distance had been mended with love and compassion for my husband and toward myself.
My husband was also receiving a mended heart through the love that we now were able to share. As he moved home, the blessing of this miracle poured out to our daughter who began to get her joy of love and peace back.
Now, a year and half later, we live in gratitude for the restoration of three broken hearts and a family legacy being changed forever.

50% of children who have been through a divorce become divorced themselves....